What do we truly want from our lives?

What do we truly want from our lives

I took a break from writing this blog to fill myself up with good experiences and as I was resting, exploring and nourishing myself and my body I’ve realised how depleting our current lifestyles are – those ways of life that we choose to live in our Western society: choosing walls instead of being outdoors, choosing screens instead of faces, choosing plasticated and pre-prepared food instead of a wholesome self-made dinner, choosing an additional cup of coffee instead of additional two hours of sleep, choosing to race through days instead of experiencing them… The body registers those choices and so no wonder it relentlessly directs us towards other ones through aches, pains, and tiredness – the signals that we should be thankful for as they remove the guilt for wanting to rest, for wanting to go against the mad and pushy current of modern life, for wanting to opt out.

Having a break is a good thing, taking the time to look after ourselves, our health and our family’s health is a good thing. It reminds us what a good life tastes of, how meaningful our interactions and relationships with people are, how our family life should look like, how our spiritual life should be. We begin to recognize again which truth comes from within us and not from adverts or some silly peer pressures. It has got this power to free us from dubious and shallow chatter that we, willingly or not, witness, hear or participate in, from those conversations that take our attention away from what we really love, from what we really believe in, from what we really want to do and what we really want to be like.

I think we really and truly want to be good people. But maybe sometimes we forget that this is the ultimate aim of our existence here, maybe sometimes we are told that there are other things that we should be fighting for and we allow ourselves to be persuaded by this stupid, manipulative and limiting narrative which tries to convince us that no one cares anymore and that the way to go is not to care, which, of course, is a total nonsense. So many people care! So many people give! So many people love! So many people share! So many people give their best out of them! So many people forgive!

I took a break from the fishy narratives and I’ve braced myself with goodness, with wholesome treats of my mum’s thinking and cooking, with refreshing fruit of my dad’s orchard and the calming vastness of the meadows and fields in my Polish village.

It’s been a month of detox for me, detox from false believes that as an individual I cannot make a difference, that I don’t have enough to make a difference, that I don’t have the ability to do it or that the world will go its own way even if I try to go the opposite direction. The world is not a hostile place that mysteriously turns its back on us just because we try, the world responds to our attempts, watches them carefully. It just needs time to be persuaded. The difficulty with doing what you believe in is in that the world, general public or even our friends, are often not persuaded by the process, but by a result. The process takes time and without support it’s difficult to have the endurance, strength and resources to complete the work. There are now so many people that are ‘in that process’ of making the world a better place, of making sure that we live in a cleaner, safer, and more equal planet – we should support them with our time, money or at least a good word. It takes time to create something good, something of value. It’s the process that needs our cheering and patience. The result will speak for itself.

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To make the ground firmer

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A while ago I travelled to my little village in Poland, to the place where I grew up. Going back to Poland used to mean refreshing my old dreams, things that as a child I promised myself I would do in life; it meant checking up on those aspirations that in my teenage years I drafted for myself, it meant going through some sort of evaluation process that I usually didn’t score that well against or getting a reminder of where I was meant to be going.

The last visit was different. I didn’t hear the voice of my old self – that voice has nothing to say. It was as if I’ve eventually become the person who I always wanted to be or maybe I’ve eventually become happy with who I am and what I am doing. It was as if I’ve pleased my old self and now it’s chapter two… not yet written.

So it’s time for a big move and other life-changing experiences, I thought to myself. It’s natural to crave for them and I do see that many of my close friends are getting ready for those moves so I quite naturally wonder if those changes are also for me. Would I like to move from where I live and from what I am doing here in our little town in the middle of the UK and would I like to start building our family life elsewhere? After a long internal conversation, self-questioning and heart-checking I’ve decided I don’t, at least not now. My heart does not crave for a new-starter-sort-of-change. I think I am passed that step. I am really longing for deeper community, for closer friendships, for stronger engagement in the life of my town and my neighbourhood. I want to be more involved in what’s happening at my son’s nursery and other places that we visit and go to. I think I want laughter and jokes and stories and food eaten and cooked together. I think I want to build bonds and be more present in the life of others. I see many opportunities for my family here. There are many friendly people and many friendly spaces in the Midlands, I just need to learn to drive to them…

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The gift of the mountains

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“The greatest gift of life on the mountain is time. Time to think or not think, read or not read, scribble or not scribble — to sleep and cook and walk in the woods, to sit and stare at the shapes of the hills.”
Philip Connors

There was no Internet where I was last week but a truly wonderful land to explore. A few photos above. Welcome back friends!

Taking stock – grasping balance

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Sometimes it’s nice to locate yourself in the busyness of your life and to take a snapshot of what is happening. Likes, wants, feelings and responsibilities. A taking stock list and a template was made by Pip at  Meet Me at Mike‘s last year and it’s still going strong on the world wide web. I decided to use her template and below is what I’ve gathered from my most recent days. What would your list look like?

Making: paper puppets and puzzles out of old colour-in pictures
Cooking: risotto with soon-out-of-season British asparagus
Drinking: black coffee
Reading: about Bali
Wanting: more time to write
Looking: forward to visiting the mainland of Europe
Playing: in the garden with my son a lot
Wasting: as little as I can
Sewing: nothing at the moment
Wishing: for peace in Ukraine
Enjoying: sunny weather in the UK and developing friendships
Waiting: for my son’s first sentences
Liking: this song and this post
Wondering: about where this blog will take me
Loving: dancing with my son to this music
Hoping: to stick to the nothing new project
Marvelling: at summer fruit and veg
Needing: nothing
Smelling: strawberries, freshly cut grass and turned earth and compost around
Wearing: my mum’s old jeans and a 3 year old sleeveless blue top
Following: impossibly too many ants on the kitchen table
Noticing: developing preferences and a strong independent streak in my son’s character
Knowing: not enough about eco-friendly living and organic gardening
Thinking: deep about languages and cultures
Feeling: loved
Bookmarking: this blog and this site, this talk and this recipe
Opening: my wardrobe for charity
Giggling: with my son while watching Curious George and while playing safari

So this is where I am today, where are you?

 

in the garden

Unburdened dreaming

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Just a few days ago I caught my little son daydreaming. He pulled a blanket on our carpet, grabbed a pillow from the sofa, and quietly lied down losing himself into some world unknown to me. I smiled understandingly.

I saw both myself and my husband in this daydreaming. We both do that– we lose ourselves in thoughts, in wondering. A lot of it is purposeful, of course. A lot of it is planning and problem-solving, and reflection on past events but not all… and thank God for that.

The dreaming that I wish I was doing more often is that in Beatrix Potter’s style, where rabbits and ducks wonderfully misbehave and talk too much. The dreaming that makes you giggle to yourself, the dreaming that ends without a list of things to do or to have. The dreaming that leaves you relaxed and entertained. Unburdened dreaming.

These days we are only supposed to have a wish list, aren’t we? Dreaming about having, dreaming about goods is encouraged, the opposite is true of dreaming fiction.

I really wish that my son will be searching the depths of his imagination for cheer, comfort and encouragement, that he will develop a strong dreaming muscle that will help him counter those dreams that consume one’s energy by pressing you to want more.

The real dreams of a real and creative child, do you still have them?

Music from Miss Potter: biographical movie about Beatrix Potter directed by Chris Noonan
Katie Melua – When You Taught Me How To Dance