The bridge where tantrums melt

There is a bridge close to my house where tantrums melt and calm proceeds. I’m not quite sure what it is in that place that pacifies difficult feelings and makes more reassuring communication possible. Maybe it’s the joy of reaching a destination that does it or the task of feeding ducks or just being surrounded by nature or maybe all of these things taken together. Life just seems to float there. Just like the water under the bridge.

It’s not only the toddler who needs the bridge. I need it too, to quieten my internal communication with myself. August has been quite intense for me as the next few months are likely to be. When the pressure is high, I really appreciate open spaces more than anything. Perhaps I also have got a kicking and screaming toddler in myself who can only collect herself when out in the wild.

When I used to work in my dad’s orchard, my sister and I would spend a lot of time just looking into the sky, watching the passing clouds, connecting with the heavens. I noticed that my son loves doing it too. Looking up, breathing deeply. It’s reassuring, isn’t it? That under the clouds we are all small people.

Initiate growth inside your family

These very first years of family life are full of challenges and negotiations that once resolved are actually incredibly satisfying. I like to think of a family as a unit in a state of growth. So when we hibernate for too long, we ask ourselves which of the spheres of life we have recently or over time neglected. In fact, I like to do this very easy exercise in which next to a life sphere we discuss ideas on how to improve it. It is a very simple exercise that, if you wish to do it for your own family, is best done individually for each member and then together as a whole.

Life Sphere:

Spiritual – effort to make time for meditation, reflection, prayer, quiet space in our busy lives

Humane – effort to make time for helping others outside the family and each other within the family

Emotional – effort to make time for cultivating positive emotions (love, kindness, compassion) and working through the negative ones, scheduling activities that bring about positive emotions

Physical – effort to make time for sport, rest, affection, cooking nutritious food, looking after our bodies

Intellectual – effort to make time for cultural activities (book, cinema, theatre) and stretching our minds, problem-solving activities, formal or informal study

Social – effort to make time for socializing, family-and-community gatherings, family conversation, celebrating, events in your own city, etc.

Environmental – effort to make time for engaging with nature, improving our homes or local areas, repairing the house, making our immediate environment pleasant

When it comes to family growth and well-being I have got one belief: every effort that you’ll make in the space of one year will deliver its shoots the next and if cultivated it will fully blossom in years to come. Do not get dissuaded or discouraged by the instant gratification culture, everything that is worth doing, is worth doing even if the fruit will show later in life.

Have a lovely family life!

This exercise has been inspired by the exercises promoted within Cognitive-Behavioral Psychology. If you’d like to learn more about it, you may like to read: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Teach Yourself (2012) by Christine Wilding or any other book or introduction to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

Sing it loudly

“Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world.” Joel Barker

A couple of years ago I wouldn’t have even dreamt of writing this text. My English was bad and broken and I did not have much confidence in stringing sentences together. Now I am cherishing every single free hour that I can dedicate to creating the content for this blog and to communicating what has been happening in my ‘bowl of cherries’. My son is a great teacher when it comes to showing me that skills and habits emerge through repetition over time. And so does our confidence in having them. There is no other answer to solving many of life’s problems and completing what we have started than: Stick at it. Stick at it.

This blog is still a wonder space for me. My vision for it crystallizes slowly and I know that if I want to make it happen and contribute something meaningful, I ought to do some work on myself first. I notice this to be true in so many other areas of my life too. Even at home. In my marriage. If I spend my day proactively, our dinner conversations are much more lively. There is just more to say. More to share. All members of the family are enriched by individual member’s pursuits. Of course, we’re enriched through togetherness too. Just differently.

The photos that I have chosen for this post were taken a few weeks ago in my dad’s orchard in Poland. My dad is a great visionary. He makes things happen and tends to his projects very well. Throughout the summer he’s been waking up 4am every day to see to the orchard before the afternoon heatwave commences. This June and July I’ve been really admiring his commitment to helping the cherries be the best – it was so hot that he was watering them every day. Not giving in to the drought. He just knows that a vision can materialize through purposeful repetitions of our efforts.

It’s the only legitimate way to success.

I wish for this blog to be a very meaningful space. Space where you’ll find comfort and inspiration. Space where you find a bit of yourself too. I have spent quite a few years stuck in silence because of my underdeveloped language skills. Learning a foreign language is a great lesson in perseverance. It’s a great opportunity to cater for the visionary in you. There are so many fabulous speakers and writers around. They can be a great source of vision. It’s really empowering to be able to write and to say to the whole world what you are about. Your vision can slowly emerge in your voice and you can sing your song. Louder and Louder.

After a long period of silence, it’s nice to be loud.

You’ve got the words to change a nation
But you’re biting your tongue
You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you’ll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?

(…) We’re all wonderful, wonderful people
So when did we all get so fearful?
And now we’re finally finding our voices
Just take a chance, come help me sing this

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream ’til the words dry out…

~Emeli Sandé, Read All About It (The song is here)

Careful Caring

When you have a child you think a lot about caring. You do it and you question it too. Am I doing it right? Is this how I should be looking after a child who’s ten months, one year, a year and a half, two or 16? The wondering never stops. You always look for answers. And oh yes… there are so many people, books, gurus or even companies and organizations that are delighted to tell you how to do it… naturally recommending their own preferred ways.

When you are new to the role and utterly shattered it’s all too easy to go for those choices… to be swayed by persuasion of almost anyone… and this happens precisely because you truly love and you truly care… and thus you are truly willing to extend yourselves and make those steps and sacrifices that are often prescribed as necessary and crucial for your child’s development.

I do that too. Constantly. It’s part of learning how to be a mum and how to respond to this ever-changing and evolving-before-my-eyes character. But sometimes there’s just too much advice to implement, too many demands and conflicting requirements placed on parents and when that happens all that you need is a good dose of distance and a pause to breathe and think: Is this really what my child needs from me now? What is his personality really crying for? Is this really answering the need that emerges in the context of my family at this current moment in time? Is this caring or is this just a symbol of it?

I look at my son, I observe him, I listen to his simple talking and I follow his eyes, gestures and body language and I try to look for hints and clues in him. He is telling me how he wants to be looked after… and it is mostly in his words and his behaviour that I find my answers.

And so I am reminded through these simple observation acts that caring is mainly about communication… about being willing to listen and observe. It’s in being in the present… with our child, with our families, in our spaces, and in our circumstances. The rest is just an option.

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