Tag: change

To make the ground firmer

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A while ago I travelled to my little village in Poland, to the place where I grew up. Going back to Poland used to mean refreshing my old dreams, things that as a child I promised myself I would do in life; it meant checking up on those aspirations that in my teenage years I drafted for myself, it meant going through some sort of evaluation process that I usually didn’t score that well against or getting a reminder of where I was meant to be going.

The last visit was different. I didn’t hear the voice of my old self – that voice has nothing to say. It was as if I’ve eventually become the person who I always wanted to be or maybe I’ve eventually become happy with who I am and what I am doing. It was as if I’ve pleased my old self and now it’s chapter two… not yet written.

So it’s time for a big move and other life-changing experiences, I thought to myself. It’s natural to crave for them and I do see that many of my close friends are getting ready for those moves so I quite naturally wonder if those changes are also for me. Would I like to move from where I live and from what I am doing here in our little town in the middle of the UK and would I like to start building our family life elsewhere? After a long internal conversation, self-questioning and heart-checking I’ve decided I don’t, at least not now. My heart does not crave for a new-starter-sort-of-change. I think I am passed that step. I am really longing for deeper community, for closer friendships, for stronger engagement in the life of my town and my neighbourhood. I want to be more involved in what’s happening at my son’s nursery and other places that we visit and go to. I think I want laughter and jokes and stories and food eaten and cooked together. I think I want to build bonds and be more present in the life of others. I see many opportunities for my family here. There are many friendly people and many friendly spaces in the Midlands, I just need to learn to drive to them…

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To allow a change to happen

Grass and sun

Education in its all forms, studying, teaching and researching, has always been a big part of my life. Irrespective what was happening, commitment to knowledge was guiding my choices, preventing me from making wrong decisions or coming to the rescue when I already made a bad one. I’ve never tried taking my eyes off books for too long – I felt uneasy if I did that – until now.

I am taking a break from the research I’ve recently been engaged in. It was a tough decision to make because what led to it were many years of hard work and determined dreaming, hundreds of sleepless nights and countless hours of learning how to gather evidence and how to express ideas (I’m still at it, by the way). Just when the library books started filling my shelves and my notebooks thickened with ink and photocopies, just when I (perhaps too proudly) started thinking of myself as a researcher, my body decided to rebel. So I’ve stopped… to allow a change to happen, to allow myself to heal and recover, to regenerate. While this is happening, I am rediscovering my days and am for the first time in my life seriously attentive to how to look after myself. I’ve never been terribly good at it but I notice that with self-care comes a better understanding of how to look after others and obviously the strength to care for them too.

It’s ironic how life works sometimes. At the very beginning of this year I wanted to make the subject of care one of the dominant themes on this blog. I didn’t think then that I would be writing about myself. Luckily, it’s summer and with it come many opportunities for entertaining healthy living: fresh fruit and vegetables are easily within reach, the sun is omnipresent and its rays keep sneaking through to us even when we try to escape them, the garden invites us irresistibly, and friends and family give us excuses to travel. Regeneration away from our usual four walls, away from our heaps of unsorted paper and endless to do lists is what makes the biggest difference. It allows us to stock up on good energy and boy do we need that. The summer doesn’t last forever and before we know it, it is … I won’t say it. I’ll let the summer linger a little longer..

‘Bene così ‘. – It’s good like this.

Alex Britti. Bene così . Song.

“There is no secret to success except hard work and getting something indefinable which we call ‘the breaks.”

~ Countee Cullen

 

Your dreams are your directions

Poppy-seed Bread

Someone said to me once: ‘Dreams, needs and wants are also given to us from God’. I was surprised because I had never thought of them like this… But then I thought maybe this person had a point… maybe our dreams and wants are God’s little messages sent to us on a very individual level… the whispers of our eager but fearful souls…

Sometimes those dreams are so subtle that they are easily over-talked by other persuasive voices, by people around us, by the media and their future forecasts, by promises of greatness and fortune elsewhere… Why would you like to be a carpenter if the money is in law and banking type of suggestions.… or… Your own business? But it takes so much effort and it bites into your evenings and weekends. Dancing classes? What would you do with your dancing in the future? Chess? Who’s got time for chess these days? You’d better… be watching your telly, eh?

In my life I also went elsewhere… in directions that I was persuaded to go to… in directions that I went because everyone was going there… but those choices drained me… they did not give me my energy back… they were fine for others but they were just not mine to make… and I made them because they presented opportunities and because they were safe… I played safe, I lost. Because they were not my dreams. But someone else’s. Maybe God was whispering to me and I didn’t listen…

I’ve always had three very strong dreams: 1) Contribute to knowledge 2) Give people jobs 3) Have a home that smells of bread. These are my three big dreams, my three life-long tasks that I want to fulfill, my aspirations that I’m still not entirely sure how to go about, how to develop and implement. I guess that there are different ways and methods… different routes… I am currently working on those dreams… they are big dreams.. they are challenges… but hey, it’s good to challenge yourself in life… you learn and you go into places… places where your talents and values fit…. places that you can nourish and that nourish you.

During my holiday in Cyprus I had time to close my eyes, feel the sun on my face and dream, dream, dream a lot… and see the images of those dreams cropping up in my head… I was dreaming for myself, for my family, for my town and for the world. I was dreaming of knowing more people in the town where I live, of exchanging stories with them and learning about their lives, I was dreaming of being able to drive to see them and of taking my son to see their businesses, farms and pottery making, I was dreaming of lazy Sundays with my husband when we just don’t need to do anything other than hold hands, walk, chat and be together, I was dreaming of cooking for friends and family and sitting together at the table, sharing love and laughs, I was dreaming of growing my own herbs and making my own yoghurt and baking once again my delicious poppy seed bread… I was dreaming of reading inspiring texts and of pouring good words on to the page… and I felt connected again. I felt happy and comfortable and I liked those dreams, those whispers of my hopeful soul… my signposts… my directions to take.

What are you dreaming of right now? What are your directions?

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Not sure if I can give this one up…

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The nothing new challenge which I embraced this year is asking for a sacrifice… a healthy one though… I will need to stretch…. and I am being literal here… because I need to start exercising more as otherwise I may end up not having anything to wear when the weather gets warmer and when I travel to the beautiful and warm island of Cyprus at the end of this month to visit my friend’s family. This is not going to be easy as I am one of those people who is more inclined to choose a book over a stretch. So quite a change is required from me in this department. And… there is this other weakness… cakes… I just really like baking them… and eating them too, of course. :) Do I really need to give them up? Is it not possible to lose weight and have a slice or two (or three ;)) of cake on Sunday? Sunday cakes – oh, this is something so ingrained in my Polish culture. This is what my family gathers for around 4 o’clock in the afternoon every Sunday – the 3C’s: cake, coffee, conversation. Giving up cakes is like giving up childhood for me… unimaginable. Is it the same for you? Is it easy for you to resist sugar?

This week I’ll be posting a recipe for a very easy poppy seed cake. Watch the space if you are a fan of baking. Sorry if you’ve just decided to give up sugar for Lent, you see, it’s time for you to learn that temptations are everywhere even in blogosphere ;)

Below is a photo of my first attempt at making cheesecake. It was nice but even for such a cake lover as me a bit too rich.

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Against all odds

Walk in snow

I used to bend my time. I was able to dedicate extra hours, days, weekends to various projects and ambitions and I was good at it. I was good at being dedicated, going the extra mile and generating motivation to do things. When you have love for learning, motivation is easy. It is just there. And you draw from it. Happily. Freely. Endlessly. So you think. Until you become a parent. When a child appears in your life, you realise that there is very little time to bend… no time to waste… hardly any time to flex. It is the time when despite having loads of motivation to engage with things, you realise that motivation on its own will not take you far. That you need a change…in attitude…in lifestyle… in your entire life approach maybe too… you just need to change… change.

Last year I embarked on a very important professional long-term project. This project is now calling for my attention, wants my commitment and wants the hours to be put in. This is not going to happen in the evening when my son falls asleep…It wants more of my time and so it seems to me that it’s only the early start that can do it…. the two hours before the baby wakes up… and I need to do it as otherwise I’ll fail… and everything that I’ve been working for over the last six years will be lost… and simply I cannot allow this to happen. I never needed as much discipline in my life as I need now… I never needed as much planning and I never needed to be so organised… and my dear friends this is painful because I’ve been always valuing freedom and flexibility and space… and now I need to change… and put some limits and barriers on that space and time that I possess as otherwise I would need to give up what I started… give up something very precious… an opportunity to grow… and that’s just not in my character.

So I’ve got a challenge before me that requires discipline and strong will… will that I need to develop and the discipline that I need to master. They will allow me to confront the challenge and find solutions to my busy days. I am starting from a new position… from a position that is still new, continuously changing and always demanding… that of a very tired but filled with love mum. It’s difficult, it’s exhausting sometimes but I believe that what I’m doing will lead to growth. Of myself, of my family and of others. And that’s what matters, doesn’t it? That we grow. Spiritually. Mentally. Intellectually. Truly. Grow.

“A characteristic of human nature – perhaps the one that makes us most human – is our capacity to do the unnatural, to transcend and hence transform our own nature.” M. Scott Peck

Thank you Mary Slow for your inspiring words. You motivated me to write this post. Check out Mary Slow’s wonderful and thought-provoking blog.