Doubt is good

I’ve got to complete a substantial piece of work for my thesis and submit it towards the end of the month to my supervisor. Criticizing and evaluating other people’s research is not the strongest of my skills. I often doubt my judgement and I must say I have been experiencing a strong writer’s block over the last few weeks. Yesterday, however, something shifted in me… I love going to our parish church on Sunday. There we are given a weekly newsletter not only with parish announcements but also with short articles dedicated to the theme of the Sunday. Well… you all probably know the story of a doubting Thomas and his need to scrutinize the Christ’s wounds before believing in Jesus’ resurrection. Yesterday, in our weekly newsletter, different writers were making commentaries regarding that theme and one of them, Christine Clark, wrote this:

”Doubt is good: it must always be better for something to be challenged. If it’s too fragile to stand up to scrutiny, it’s not worth much.”

I choose to write about this because I think yesterday I have turned a corner in my thinking. Dealing with doubt, criticism and disbelief is an important part of doing research work and I think that only yesterday I understood why having doubts often implies having the courage to think independently.

Doubt is lovely. Welcome doubt.

Freedom comes first

When my son was born many people were asking me about my wishes for him, about who I would like him to become, about who I would like him to be. As much as I like people to ask me questions, I disliked being asked about this one. It disagreed with my conviction that these little beings are separate beings and it is to freedom that we are bringing them up and that it is freedom that first and foremost we should allow them to experience. You see, our children are institutionalized from such an early age, their growth is formalized and lifestyle made formulaic. They need space and time that is free from our influences, and free from others. They need space and time where all that they hear is the chatter of their own minds. Uncluttered time, uncluttered from our wishes for them, however well-meaning they are.

At some stage I was really provoked by someone to answer this question: Who you would like your son to be? So I answered: I know that my ambition for my son is really my ambition for myself. If you hear me saying that I would like him to be a writer and a peace-maker, you know that this is really what I want for myself so I will be pushing myself to create the best sentences I can and pushing myself to learn the art of conflict-resolution, I will not be training my child in it. All that I need to do is to give him space for his own dreams and ambitions to emerge and flourish. Freedom comes first and our ambitions for our children can really lead us to understand what ambitions we have for ourselves.

So if they want to run, let them run.

Giving yourself permission to create

It was mid-October and my tomato vine was still producing its pearls. My toddler loved to grab this little coconut shell and move from one tomato pot to another to see if something was still lurking on the slowly drying vines. He was usually lucky.

I’ve been thinking a lot about talents and creativity lately. About how little I understand how creativity works but equally about how limited our lives are when we do not find time and courage to answer inspiration and to hear our enthusiasm speaking to us.

I once read an interview with a famous Polish singer in which she admitted that she relies on her audience to cheer her before she appears on the stage, that she almost needs their permission to sing although she’s been singing for over thirty years and has been having a very successful and fulfilling career. I think this feeling is quite a common one – we all need a cheer every so often, but the ironic thing is that until we don’t show what we can and want to do, those around us would not know what to cheer for. That is why having a go (or multiple goes) at doing something and then sharing it with others is important. Trepidation never disappears but it subsides and turns into a strong feeling of joy related to having something completed.

Maybe ideas are a bit like children, we need to help them grow, help them mature but then we need to let them go so that they meet suitable partners for themselves.

I am happy that I did not need a cheer to plant the cherry tomatoes.

This Blog is Taking a Break in 2015

I’ve gone a bit mad on measuring over the last few weeks. Measuring time, to be precise. The findings of my experiment did not surprise me but confirmed my assumption that at this particular moment in time I cannot do everything that ideally I would like to do.

Of course, I have again questioned the existence of this blog and the time that I spent recording and documenting my thoughts and experiences and I have realised that I am not documenting what I want to document and I am not writing the blog that I would like to write. Mainly because I haven’t developed an angle yet and because the things that I want to do just take much more time than I can realistically offer now. So I have decided I will be taking a longer break from writing and photographing this year so that I can invest my time and efforts into other things and develop a stronger understanding of what I want this blog to represent and how I want to run it.

Samuel Johnson declared once: “What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.”
This is year I am hoping to make a lot of effort offline so that you can find my writing pleasurable next year.

To a good year Friends!

Alicja

The right time

Last year I started two small projects that didn’t come to anything. The work was done but the fruit was not born.

One of the projects was related to my garden. I turned the earth, removed loads of rubble and old dead roots, filled many flower pots and garden patches with earth and compost, and planted seedlings, seeds and bulbs. A bit too late to the season. They have grown to an extent but unfortunately never revealed its full beauty. Never blossomed.

This little incidence taught me something: Timing in life is important. It seems to me that many of our projects or endeavours in life have their time bracket. Ultimate conditions for growth. The right time. Perhaps it takes a failed attempt at making something happen to recognize that right time and to make use of it.

In the coming months I’d like to be a bit more aware of time (its presence, limitations, seasonality, etc.) and work with it and within it. Not against it.I think that time and I may even become friends this year.

What’s your relationship with time like? How do you stay in beat with it?