Against all odds

I used to bend my time. I was able to dedicate extra hours, days, weekends to various projects and ambitions and I was good at it. I was good at being dedicated, going the extra mile and generating motivation to do things. When you have love for learning, motivation is easy. It is just there. And you draw from it. Happily. Freely. Endlessly. So you think. Until you become a parent. When a child appears in your life, you realise that there is very little time to bend… no time to waste… hardly any time to flex. It is the time when despite having loads of motivation to engage with things, you realise that motivation on its own will not take you far. That you need a change…in attitude…in lifestyle… in your entire life approach maybe too… you just need to change… change.

Last year I embarked on a very important professional long-term project. This project is now calling for my attention, wants my commitment and wants the hours to be put in. This is not going to happen in the evening when my son falls asleep…It wants more of my time and so it seems to me that it’s only the early start that can do it…. the two hours before the baby wakes up… and I need to do it as otherwise I’ll fail… and everything that I’ve been working for over the last six years will be lost… and simply I cannot allow this to happen. I never needed as much discipline in my life as I need now… I never needed as much planning and I never needed to be so organised… and my dear friends this is painful because I’ve been always valuing freedom and flexibility and space… and now I need to change… and put some limits and barriers on that space and time that I possess as otherwise I would need to give up what I started… give up something very precious… an opportunity to grow… and that’s just not in my character.

So I’ve got a challenge before me that requires discipline and strong will… will that I need to develop and the discipline that I need to master. They will allow me to confront the challenge and find solutions to my busy days. I am starting from a new position… from a position that is still new, continuously changing and always demanding… that of a very tired but filled with love mum. It’s difficult, it’s exhausting sometimes but I believe that what I’m doing will lead to growth. Of myself, of my family and of others. And that’s what matters, doesn’t it? That we grow. Spiritually. Mentally. Intellectually. Truly. Grow.

“A characteristic of human nature – perhaps the one that makes us most human – is our capacity to do the unnatural, to transcend and hence transform our own nature.” M. Scott Peck

Thank you Mary Slow for your inspiring words. You motivated me to write this post. Check out Mary Slow’s wonderful and thought-provoking blog.

Consumers or Producers?

In the last few days my mind has moved on from a personal approach to consumerism to its broader aspect. I am thinking of our enormous (societal) ability to consume beyond the level of shopping.

I’ve been greatly privileged with being brought up in the countryside… in a village full of farms, orchards, green and golden fields. The images that I carry in my head are those of hard-working people, of people who care greatly and of people who produce and make every effort at creating quality foods for others. I’ve been observing people who dedicate their days, holidays and weekends to making sure that whatever piece of land they own will yield the desired crop… that they have something to offer to the world once the summer finishes. This isn’t done without sacrifice. It does take a lot out of them… but somehow I cannot imagine them doing anything else… they just grow up with that mindset… that mentality… that you are worth as much as you can offer to others.

This ability and eagerness to produce for others seems to have slipped out of the Western psyche. We’ve been too contented with being consumers for ourselves. It’s not only about the economical dimension but also about personal and social aspects. How much do we give from ourselves to others? How far are we able to extend ourselves? How creative and how hard-working are we?

I think that at least in our purchasing choices, if that is possible, we should not be driven by the price tag only. We ought to be more community-spirited when it comes to shopping. This is so important! To make the region that you live in a sustainable source of nourishment and growth. I stand for buying local. I try to support as many shops and farms in the area where I live as possible as I feel I am not entitled to complain about the economic situation in my local area if I don’t actively support its economy. I feel responsible for doing my share.

This countryside mindset also compels me to ask myself: To what extent am I a producer? What do I produce? What can I produce? With the abilities that I have been given, how can I support my family, society, friends and the environment? How can I be of value to the communities that I inhabit? Are there areas where I am only a consumer? Can I change it? Should I change it? Have I struck the right balance? So many questions to learn from..

No more sleepwalking. Things are changing.

My resolution of not buying anything new has been influencing my thoughts and feelings since the beginning of this year in ways that I didn’t expect.

The initial impressions were those of excitement and motivation. I was filled with nice and heart-warming sensations. I felt liberated and appreciated the beauty and luxury around. The first weeks of not buying gave me almost instantaneously a sense of pride and accomplishment to the point that I was almost congratulating myself on how undisturbed my routines and mindset were to that point. I’ve been on the top of the world and then things started changing this week… I’ve started changing this week…

I’ve been examining the contents of our house and I’ve been discovering things… items that I have bought at various stages of my life… things that I have bought for myself and my son at a whim… objects that I found absolutely necessary at the time of purchase and forgotten about them a while later… As I was going through all these things I was getting more and more uncomfortable… The items that I was holding were not really what I had bought… I had been buying something else… I had been buying the routes to and symbols of security and comfort… appreciation and acceptance… I had been shopping for elegance, intelligence, affection, ambitions and confidence… I had been buying resilience… character… adventure… health. I had been buying those things not realising that none of them was in fact sold. And I was just an average consumer. Aware, informed and with good knowledge of advertising strategies and marketing, I have still sleepwalked into this trap… naïvely thinking that by purchasing something I have found a way forward to whatever plan, aspiration or ache I had at the time.

I don’t want to sleepwalk anymore. I don’t want to consume dreams. I want to work to make them come true. I don’t want to consume feelings. I want to express them. I don’t want to consume plans. I want to see them through. I don’t want to consume character traits. I want to develop them.

I had been trying to satiate the needs that those items were never able to fill on their own… I had been deceiving myself… Now I want to fill those needs without those items because to be frank I am terribly angry… and I would like to blame someone but there is no obvious scapegoat so I am just left with this massive and unpleasant feeling of shame and embarrassment… about the way I led my life… about how I replaced the real, raw and genuine sensitivities with stuff.

I want to look after this girl now and her weaknesses and vulnerabilities… and let her own herself… I will not let her exchange dreams for goods. They are too precious to be sold.

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