Careful Caring

When you have a child you think a lot about caring. You do it and you question it too. Am I doing it right? Is this how I should be looking after a child who’s ten months, one year, a year and a half, two or 16? The wondering never stops. You always look for answers. And oh yes… there are so many people, books, gurus or even companies and organizations that are delighted to tell you how to do it… naturally recommending their own preferred ways.

When you are new to the role and utterly shattered it’s all too easy to go for those choices… to be swayed by persuasion of almost anyone… and this happens precisely because you truly love and you truly care… and thus you are truly willing to extend yourselves and make those steps and sacrifices that are often prescribed as necessary and crucial for your child’s development.

I do that too. Constantly. It’s part of learning how to be a mum and how to respond to this ever-changing and evolving-before-my-eyes character. But sometimes there’s just too much advice to implement, too many demands and conflicting requirements placed on parents and when that happens all that you need is a good dose of distance and a pause to breathe and think: Is this really what my child needs from me now? What is his personality really crying for? Is this really answering the need that emerges in the context of my family at this current moment in time? Is this caring or is this just a symbol of it?

I look at my son, I observe him, I listen to his simple talking and I follow his eyes, gestures and body language and I try to look for hints and clues in him. He is telling me how he wants to be looked after… and it is mostly in his words and his behaviour that I find my answers.

And so I am reminded through these simple observation acts that caring is mainly about communication… about being willing to listen and observe. It’s in being in the present… with our child, with our families, in our spaces, and in our circumstances. The rest is just an option.

The real-stuff corner and its powers

I used to think that toddlers love colourful toys. That vibrancy is what draws them in. I was mistaken. This beautiful toy above was presented to my son from our dear friend. It was offered with the most generous heart and best intentions but at the moment it’s mummy who plays with it most often. I think that my son will grow to like it and will learn to play with it when the time comes but now… it’s the real stuff and the real world that he seeks… so much so that the floors in our house are at times invisible while the opposite is true of our bookshelves and cupboards.

To manage this situation I created a corner for my son with the real stuff (everyday objects) to freely mess around with. The space is a hit. Both with him and with me. I cook or I do some work while he plays joyfully without my nagging. We are much happier together like this.

Looking at this little boy playing just with a simple jar I was again reminded that the ordinary in life can be a source of great adventure… perhaps it’s just about not seeing a jar as a jar…. but as something that you can… twist, turn, pat, rub, bite, wiggle, smell, wipe, stare at, stare through, scrub, make sounds with, cover your tiny teddy-bear with or catch a spider into.

I must admit I regret a few toy purchases. I should have paced myself a little and not been so swayed by their cuteness. It’s just I didn’t really appreciate the curiosity-generating powers of the real world. I didn’t understand that this is what a small child wants to know most about. So we’re going to be learning about the real world together this year. Discovering and re-discovering what’s around us. It’s Nothing New after all…

“…for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.”

~Fred Rogers

I will not steal from the giving pot

Every January while budgeting for the year I remind myself of what my mother taught me: Don’t save on giving. The giving pot should stay full. The truth is one: there would be no justice in the world if we didn’t give.

We are lucky in the west… we are wealthy… although with all the temptations available it’s so easy to see ourselves as struggling, to wish for more, and to fear of not having, of being worse-off, of living in smaller houses, the fears of x, y, z. The list is long. This fear has been injected in us with a thick syringe and has been fed and fueled… so that we look up and dream of what others have and what others do.

They don’t make you feel rich, these dreams. They don’t make you feel lucky but I am telling you here: You are rolling in it.

If a few days, weeks, months of saving mean that you can afford a luxury (a new phone, branded items, a computer, travel etc.), you are rich. If you feed your family, pay your bills, and maintain your car or travel round with minimal budgeting effort, you are rich. If that’s your situation, there is no need to cut on the giving budget, there is no need to cut on sharing the wealth.

The reality is that despite the inflation, in spite of rises in regular expenses, regardless of our dreams to live bigger and better, we can still give and if this year is a bit harder than the last one we can save to give!

This is not a new concept. It has been happening in the past. It has been exercised. There are families in the world who save the best of their foods over months for their visitors. There are children in the world who are saving every coin they get so that they can give their mothers’ presents for their birthdays. There are single parents and pensioners who limit their purchases so that they can support a cause that they believe in. There are people who just watch their daily expenses so that they can donate, so that they can contribute, so that they can do their part. Some of these people have to be strict about how much electricity they use, how much milk they buy, how many showers they take, how many pairs of shoes they buy. They go to great lengths so that they can take part in this great giving scheme while for so many of us saving to give is just a purchasing delay. If giving means as much as waiting for longer, it’s not a sacrifice. It’s justice.

Let’s stay generous in 2014. It’s a good rule to live by.

A letter to a child

Dear Little Child

So you are here. In this world full of beauty and wonder. On your road to discovery and growth. There are many rules and principles that you’ll learn about while looking for the truth. But before you start uncovering them, before you embark on your own journey, these ones are worth grasping…

Love people. See the good in them but have your boundaries. Keep some things as sacred and do not let others trample on them. They are your foundations, your values and your core.
You can help. You are not powerless. There’s always something that you can do. It will be meaningful however small it is.
Work through sadness. Feel the pain. Acknowledge it. Take a deep breath, pause, understand where the pain came from and where it sits but don’t let it overwhelm you. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to cry.
Make space. Try to close the matters of the day in a day. Don’t let them linger. You’ve got a beautiful mind. Don’t clutter your thoughts. Keep it tidy to give yourself plenty of mental space for growth.
Live your passion. Just do it. Without having ‘the right’ things. Remember that you don’t need the best computer to write. Just a pencil.
Learn commitment. Choose things that are important to you and give them your best. Rest when you are tired. We all have and need fallow times. Use that time to nourish yourself. With a good book, with a change of place, with good food. When you feel empty or deprived of all strengths, spend some time in the wild. Nature always gives. It always listens. Your inner voice will speak the loudest there.
Value your parents. Keep on talking to your parents, don’t stop learning from them. Don’t dismiss them. Fundamentally, they have experiences that you haven’t got. They can still teach you something.
Choose your partner for life wisely. A good relationship will open you to new ways of seeing and understanding, will make you stronger and more generous, will give you the courage to explore and trust in your talents and abilities and will do the same to your loved-one. A good relationship enriches both people in it.
Work hard. Be prepared to go the extra mile when the situation requires you to do so. This is how you stretch. This is how you push the boundaries of your ability and personality. This is how you build your character and your confidence.
Appreciate. Culture, society, food, art and your origins. You are part of this amazing and diverse world. Respect people’s beliefs and be aware of your own ones. Make people welcome. Ask questions. Be responsive. Show that you care. Protect the weak and always congratulate people on their achievements. No matter what their position is, strong or weak, show that you are with them.
Delight in life. Appreciate friendship and beauty. Develop a sense of humour. Dance, sing and chat about things enthusiastically. Don’t be afraid to send your good energy to the world. The world needs it. Don’t lock it, let it go. It refills itself pretty quickly.
Trust yourself. Trust your mind and your heart. Together they will help you with making the right choices. If in doubt, imagine yourself as your daughter or your sister or brother and ask yourself: ‘Is this what I wish for her/him?’

Dear Little Child, with time you’ll add more to this list. Your experience will shape you in different ways. You will gather pieces of wisdom that you will want to share. Here’s your space for them:

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

21.

What would you have on your list?

Have A Good Weekend, Everyone!

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