Tag: doctorate

The hardest type of guidance

leading oneself

This PhD that I am doing right now is one of the most difficult things I’ve selected to do in my life. I keep on questioning myself over it all the time. I’ve never done work as big as this and have never had to manage as much on my own in my entire life. Being totally responsible for your own creativity and thinking and your subsequent steps can be quite scary. I have always had very strong teachers in my life – now I am the teacher and the leader and often I feel quite overwhelmed by this responsibility… just for myself and for the outcome of my work. Although the freedom to do what I love doing is wonderful, is tasty, delicious even, I think that self-guidance is the hardest type of guidance out there.

I am learning to trust myself. To trust my own judgment and my own ideas, but often I shake with self-doubt.

I know that when we do not have enough strength in our muscles, we tremble. I know that it is only with practice and regular exercise that the tremble subsides to the point that we even forget later that we had that shaky muscle. The longer I work on this muscle, the more I am convinced that tasks such as the one that I am facing are mainly about conquering myself. No one else. Nothing else. Just myself.

“Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work”

hope

Whenever I feel slightly vulnerable, I search for words that would give me strength. I look for speeches that inspire me and make me feel less fragile. People have a capacity to hurt us but also to plaster our wounds; they can let us down or surprise us with their generosity. I love being surprised and inspired with people’s good heart, with their ability to sacrifice a bit of self-comfort, a bit of self for greater values, for community, family or friendship. I am painfully conscious of the fact that only actions will make me a better person, only actions speak of me. There are moments however when I feel very tired, when I feel too disgruntled to continue doing things and it is then that I most need to be inspired, I need to be convinced again… in order not to give up. These are the speeches that inspired me lately.
1. Patch Adams (Movie, Parts 8/10 and 9/10 on You Tube)
2.The real Patch Adams.
I’ve come across these words by Ann Landers the other day: “Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don’t recognize them.” I hope I am not making a mistake by having another go at a project that will take a lot of effort to complete – in January I am resuming my doctoral studies. My research is not related to medicine, but I relate to the doctor in the videos when he says “Sir, I want to be a doctor with all my heart. I want to become a doctor so that I can serve others.” I am trying to fight a state of terrible insecurity right now. Last time I started my research I had to stop it as my body collapsed (pregnancy efforts and research was just too much for me to bear). In January I’ll be entering the research stronger in body but with trauma. I fear and I question but I want to do it…with all my heart.